THE FREAKY A-Z OF MODERN LIFE: FAMILY

Now this is probably the most standard freakiest topic to come across in this fucking slow as hell countdown. Family. Yeah like the common cold we’ve probably all had or got one, whether we like it or not. But quite frankly they made you and you’re stuck with them…unless your name is Culkin.

Families ain’t modern, you may say. But ffs its all changed mate. That cherished idea of 2.4 children or the Nuclear Family has gone up, up, UP and crashed RIGHT out of the skylight window. Mum sends me texts solely saying OMG and I talk to my dad on ChatRoulette.

just kidding lol

 

Maternal Aunty 1 won £100,000 on a Daily Mail scratch-card the day I had my tonsils taken which also magically fell on my 13th birthday. I became a woman. She gave me a fiver for my agony.

 

Can do shit loads with a fiver tho if I’m frank

Maternal Aunty 2 ran away on New Years Eve ‘03 and converted to Islam in secret. She only told me. I was fourteen years old. Carbonated conversations. They’re mad gassy.

Paternal Grandfather is South Manchester’s answer to Del Boy. He’s been a professional football player, estate agent and owned a leisure centre amongst other hooky things. He’s skint right now but is about to go on a five-week cruise and then move into a log cabin in a gated community. I don’t ask questions.

Parternal Aunty 1 joined a cosmetics cult slash pyramid scheme. She’s currently waiting on a promise of a white soft-top Mercedes Benz that will never come.

 

I saw Paternal Aunty 2 the other day and she was wearing the kind of socks that scream “I’M A 45+ DIVORCEE AND HAVEN’T HAD SEX FOR OVER 3 YEARS”. Her last known boyfriend was from Moss Side and had eight kids with eight different women. She is rich enough to know better.

My mum asked for a onesie and the Ministry of Sound ‘Trance Anthems’ CD for Christmas.  My dad took shrooms, stole a moped and went missing for a week.

My brother is so stoned he doesn’t even know what year it is and has giant models of robots made out of filter tip boxes in his bedroom.

Let’s not even start on me. My whole family is terrified of me and my mum once said she’d disown me if she had to tell people I left university to work in a hotel.

And of course every family has its distant definitely-not-blood-related lurkers…

Uncle Knobhead actually looks like this no word of a lie

Weird ‘sort of’ Uncle Nobhead and Aunty Victim. There is he is shimmying towards you across the dance floor – always happy that the family he bequeathed himself to has a harem of hotties beyond his wife and YES WE’RE NOT BLOOD RELATED. Get your eyes off my arse and go Agadoo with somebody your own age.

Maybe you have a broad spectrum of cousins. Some mentally unstable, some gang-bangin’, some overseas, some happily married with a couple of Husky dogs. Don’t forget the distant cousin called Tyrone with enthusiastic facial hair. No Badu. I too have strange half cousins who fall off bar stools and constantly tell you how there’s no ‘blood ties ’ involved and how he definitely ‘would’. (Video on the header – yes this is real life).

The ‘normal on the outside, but raging on the inside’ family. These people look like the human version of a perfectly mint set of Slyvanian Family dolls. The mum might wear an apron, the dad might carry a briefcase and the kids might look really beautiful and have impeccable manners. Nah I’m lying. That shit doesn’t exist. But you will come across a family like this and think ‘Oh yeah, wish our lot were normal like that’.  NEVER EVER THINK THAT. These people are always deviants. I met a family like this and they were obsessed with America. American imports bursting out of the cupboards. American space wagon on the driveway. They lost a tarantula in the house and told the kids that Borrowers were real and infesting their bedroom. The kids used to call the parents by their first names. Next thing you know the dad is chasing the mum down the street with a carving knife on Christmas Day.

Nuclear family eh. It all went a bit Chernobyl.

ESQUEEZY