ANDROGYNY

So I guess those gender boundaries got blurred huh?

As the Stussy female range lands in Topshop and ASOS, girls who love ‘streetwear and sneakers’ will tell you straight up – it’s their playground now.

Oh god look at this ‘real’ model with lank surfer boy hair who usually does proper high end shit wearing a weird denim tracksuit and an elongated beanie. Didn’t you hear? It’s Streetwear Couture baby and its SO now. “I styled the shoot, picked the clothes yeah, put in on tumblr, all my handiwork. Didn’t need a make-up artist obvs”.

In reality it’s like me seeing a girl from Burnley slumped over a toilet in Kavos and triumphantly saying I STYLED IT. But at least it would be realistic.

If you don’t get me then just take a look at tumblr. There’s a claggy army of androgyny riddled girls with guns on tumblr. Its pretty much all that’s on there, as well as the people manically sharing it all; a bunch of desperate ‘creatives’ who think real life is working from a hot tub on top of the Trump Building eating chicken wings and designing Nike iDs online.


Actually a fully grown 25 year old woman
This years ‘it’ girls either look like malnourished lads down at the funfair in 1997 or some futuristic Slick Rick in a chambray shirt sans eye patch, but they’d be up for wearing one if it made them stand out more. You even get those Bizarre front page model type girls with plumped up pig-fat lips and face tats strapping their bouncy things down to play the teenage boy game. It actually makes me glad to be out of the dating game. How does it work now? Here’s my guess:

You’ve caught his roaming eye across the bowling alley/bar/bubble tea shop and the chat-up lines are firmly in place. He gets you a drink, tells you his ‘story’ and it all sounds pretty interesting. He likes the same music as you, has a good grasp on your strange ‘humour’ and looks semi presentable so you go in for the kill and take this newfound love of your life home. A spicy Pot Noodle later and things hot up. You ignore some slight warning signs and even see the positive in them. Super smooth kisses? Obviously looks after himself duh. No stubble? Got me a toy boy…yehhhh. Time for a grab…but oh…you abruptly realise there’s no frankfurter to go in your bun. YEP. You have matching genitals.

These hetero gender mystique frontin’ heauxs are just no good. Plus they always want to tell you that they ‘dressed like this forever’ but girl I just did a quick rewind to 2008 via your Facebook profile photo portal and yeah, you were wearing big baby floral rompers from Primark just like everybody else. Plus Liberty AM1s with disco pants? #chicksinkicks innit.

I do feel like a dick for my rant. I’ve been mistaken for a boy before, which is strange seeing as I have a fringe and hips thick like a family sandwich loaf. But seriously now, wearing some leopard print trainers and getting permanent hearts/skulls/tears drawn on your face? Really?

To be frank, the boys are just as bad. You’re more likely to see them wearing pink these days. Different ballpark tho.

NB: this is all just a massive pitch for my new business venture; Girls In Hats trading cards – collect them all!

Peace, love and harmony.

ESQUEEZY