Happy New Rassclart Year dons!
How’s 2012 going for you so far?
How much weight have you put on over the Christmas and New Years holidays?
1 stone? 2 stones? Maybe zero stones if you’re bulimic.
But if like me you’re a swallower and not a spitter, chances are you’re currently bulging out of clothes that fitted you perfectly 2 weeks ago. Take me for instance, just 2 weeks ago I was boasting that I’d lost 4 kilos and now I am sat here with my jeans button undone, crying big fat tears of gravy and alcohol.
January is month where everyone buys running trainers, stocks up on salads, green tea and Evian in their plight to beat the bloodclart bulge. However if you need a quick way to lose the weight and you’re too lazy to wait for “healthy eating and regular exercise” to kick in, I have come up with 5 simple solutions to get you back in shape in no time. You can thank me later.
- Make out with a sick person – I know it sounds gross, but if you lips someone that has a sickness bug, they will pass it on to you and hey presto – 48 hours of puking later, you will look like your former self, with no evidence of the billions of calories you consumed over the festive season. Easy.
- Starve yourself for a month – it’s a small price to pay to look good to be honest. I am definitely not condoning eating disorders but you’ve probably eaten 2 months worth of food in 2 weeks anyway, so technically you’re not starving yourself. You have already consumed your allowance so you shouldn’t really eat again till February, plus you’ll be skinny so you’re more likely to get a date in time for Valentine’s day. Slender sex is better than fat sex, nobody wants to be part of the latter.
- Only put liquids in your body – water, Diet Coke, sugar free squash, spunk – all of these things will fill you up if you drink enough of them, PLUS you’ll keep going for a wee as well so you won’t retain any water. Piss yourself skinny.
- Have Colonic Hydrotherapy – This is the one where they stick a big tube of hot liquids up your bum and then flush you out. Disgusting, I know. And if you’re #teambashment then you will know by now that badman nah…. and similarly badgyal nah let that happen to her. The prospect of this is quite terrifiying for me, but what’s a tube up your ass when you could be 2 stone lighter afterwards? Nothing.
- Join the illuminati – Finally if you join the illuminati it will solve all your problems because these lot are all slender, model looking, rich bastards. Some might say that your soul is worth more than that, but can we really put a price on looking absolutely fucking amazing? The answer my friends, is NA.
